Doula FAQs

Boundaries/expectations

Whether we’re meeting face-to-face or online, make yourself comfortable - we should be in a quiet space where we won’t be disturbed, and ideally we’ll each have a cup of tea in hand. If it’s possible for you to turn your phone off, I would definitely recommend doing so to allow you to focus in on our time together. Our session will usually last between 60-75 mins (which means I could be with you for a maximum of 90 mins if we meet in person, taking into account time to settle in) and is confidential.

Each doula and grief worker is different. Read about Robber’s Daughter, and take a look at my Death Doula pages, to check that I am the right doula for you.

Is a doula equivalent to a volunteer at a hospice?

Hospice volunteers are a brilliant resource, offering a non-judgemental listening ear and signposting you to any additional support you may need. 

However, doulas have specifically invested additional time and energy into getting to know, embrace and accept death. We’ve gained an in-depth understanding through our specialist training, read around a variety of spiritual and fact-based perspectives, faced our own grief and mortality, taken part in or facilitated grief events and Death Cafes, initiated conversations about death and dying with friends, family members and our wider communities, and connected with local services. Through these experiences (and many specialisms unique to each doula) we have the skills and confidence to walk alongside you and advocate for your wishes however complex your journey.

Doulas are also flexible due to the fact that we are based in the community and outside ‘the system’ of hospice and hospital care - our services are bespoke, personal and not time-limited. We can be available outside office hours, accompany you to wherever you need us to be (home, appointments etc.), support you to care for your loved ones’ body at home, and more.

How is talking to a doula different from talking to a good friend or family member? 

One of the most challenging things about having a serious illness or prognosis, or experiencing deep grief, is that it can be difficult to talk about certain topics to the people you would usually go to for support (if you are lucky enough to have those people in your life). You might not want to worry them, or they might not be able to find the right words. They might not want to bring it up, thinking you don’t want to talk about it or it will upset you. You might avoid the topic so as not to ‘be a downer’ or because you think it will be a burden or make things harder for them. 

A doula is a neutral person, a fellow human being who isn’t afraid to have these conversations, - to be with you, and your feelings, without trying to fix you. Sometimes we can act as a bridge, a connector between you and your loved ones, so that you all find it easier to talk about these things together. Or otherwise we can offer an outlet, separate from your time with them. If you’re on your own, of course, then the space to be with someone who understands a little of what you’re going through can be extra valuable.

I’m unwell or getting older. I thought I was ok, but my family member/friend/carer has suggested working with you. Why? Does that mean everyone thinks I’m going to die soon (or that they want me to)?

You will likely know yourself whether you have a life-limiting prognosis or have reasons to feel that you are approaching the end of your life. If someone has suggested working with me, it simply means that they think it might be beneficial to have a space talk about death and dying. Perhaps because they want to be prepared well ahead of time, so that they can make sure your wishes are followed. Perhaps because they are anxious about the future - or because they worry that you have your own anxieties. Perhaps because they want to offer you a space to reflect on the story of your life and be reminded of the value in it. Perhaps to help you find acceptance, if it is likely that the end of your -or a loved one’s - life is indeed approaching. Ultimately, we will all die, and this is an opportunity (should you choose to take it) to explore what that means, together. Being willing to break the taboos about this universal experience allows us all to live more meaningfully before we get there.

Doesn’t talking about my worst fears make them more likely to happen? Isn’t it better to focus on the positive?

To the contrary, speaking our fears aloud helps to dispel the power they hold over us. Then we can start to face them together, and see how it might be possible for things to go differently - by imagining a different kind of vision for the end of your life, by putting practical planning in place, or by moving towards finding acceptance for what can’t be changed. 

What will we do together?

The answer is unique to each person, and depends on what comes up in our conversations, and what we agree on when we start the journey (this can change and be updated along the way). Some options include:

• Talking about your experiences of, fears about, and visions for, death and dying

• Grounding meditations and visualisations

• Sounding and humming (using voice to calm the nervous system and/or express grief)

• Grief rituals for yourself, loved ones, losses, changes or life chapters

• Meaning-making (e.g. imagining how you’ll be remembered, telling or recording your life story for your family or yourself)

• Advance preparations (e.g. funeral and care planning)

• Legacy (creating memory boxes, memorials or keepsakes)

• Sitting vigil if you are approaching the end of your life

We may focus on one of the above for our whole time together, or switch between these things. Or we may discuss and agree something different that isn’t on this list.

Are you religious? 

No, I don’t belong to any religion and don’t promote any ‘brand’ of spirituality. I welcome clients of any faith and none. I find personal spiritual solace and connection in nature, through the elements and simple ritual. Perhaps you will too, during our time together, but that depends on what feels right for you. 

How do I pay?

My fees are currently on a sliding scale, with options depending on your financial situation. See prices here. I trust you to choose the rate you can genuinely afford, no questions asked.

I may send details for bank transfer or Paypal, and request that you pay before we meet. In this case, I will refund 100% of the payment if you cancel more than 48 hours in advance, or 50% if you cancel with less than 48 hours notice. If I cancel our meeting for any reason, I will of course refund you 100% of your payment. (Please note that in the occasional event that I have hired and paid for a space for us to meet, I may need to deduct the hire fee from your refund - this is typically around £12-15 and I will always check with you before booking/payment). 

Asking you to pay in advance is protection for me as a self-employed doula - it helps with the risk of not being able to fill a cancelled slot at short notice, and honours time spent on any preparations I’ve made. Thanks for your understanding :)

If you have any other questions in advance of us meeting, please don’t hesitate to ask 💗